Hmm...how to respond to this without sounding like I'm just trying to make you feel better...
Nope...nothing's coming to me...
...Still nothing...
...Oh, wait: It's funny, you know, how we (meaning all humans) simultaneously applaud and disdain differences. This occurred to me one day when, while having dinner as a teenager, my sister and I made fun of my mom for not adding sauce to her spaghetti (she just put some butter on it). Later that night, at the meeting, someone gave a talk wherein they said it will "sure be nice in the new system when everyone's the same", and I balked at his phraseology. But then I realized: hey, why was it "bad" for my mom to prefer a different style of spaghetti, and also "bad" when someone insinuated we'd all be the same one day.
Where was I going with this? Oh yes, I would agree that you qualify as "different", but you are also the same person who taught me that that was a good thing. When I look back on our youth, I am hard-pressed to provide the name of a peer who we could consider "normal"; the benchmark that determined everyone else's weirdness depending on how far they deviated from him/her. When I mention people like Rhett, Chad A., Ryan A., Bobby, Tim G., Reed, Chad L. and you and me (to name a few we both knew), I think a case can be made for each one of them that they were a typical, normal teen. Likewise, I could present evidence as to why they were among the biggest oddballs I ever knew.
Your difference, your feeling "left out", possibly also stems from your being a visionary; you always seemed to be the first one interested in something. You were the first of my friends to know about computers and you championed nerd-dom long before "geek-sheik" was coined. During the first few years when I got to know you, I got this idea that anything you were interested in was, by definition, cool. When you extolled the virtues of Hitchcock, Lennon and Mason Jennings (for example), I thought, "Well, those things must be cool if Ryan thinks they're cool". I remember Chad A. once asked me to recite the lyrics to "American Pie" for some reason, and my response was: "Well, Ryan thinks that's a dumb song", as if I was embarrassed to be a fan of something that you had publicly lambasted. (God, I love the word "lambasted".) And one day, when you were talking about "Joe and the Volcano", I thought: "Hm, I saw that movie, and I didn't think it was anything special, but I must be wrong." And when my grandma told me my cousins were taking piano lessons, I said: "Do they write their own music and record their own albums?", because, to my 16 year old self, anything else would have been lame. In fact, I think it's safe to say no one has influenced me more as to what I've read, watched and listened to besides you (well, except my wife, parents and sister, but they all have the advantage of having lived with me for years).
I'm probably totally off topic now. I don't even remember what the topic was. Man, it's great to be drunk at 10AM on a Friday.
Es
· 1 year ago
A stat that has been seriously helpful to me is that 1 out of 4 people won't like you. That's it. Nothing you can do about it. For whatever reason, they won't get you and if you really think about it, rather than get caught up in wondering why they dislike you, you'd see that in all probability you wouldn't have liked them either. That's very freeing, in my opinion. It takes the responsibility off of you. I have no idea if this stat is reliable but it seems very likely to be true.
Being in therapy at the same time has been so helpful because it's made us realize how remarkably similar our issues are and leads me to assume that those issues are probably similar to many others. It's funny because people tend to be egocentric, never realizing how much alike they are. It's comforting to realize everyone shares most of these problems. I'm just so glad that you're choosing to explore them. It's a brave thing to do.
erock
· 1 year ago
Interesting stuff. I've been thinking about a lot of the same things, as far as my own life goes.
I picked up a Dr Phil (yeah, yeah) book at the thrift store and I'm a little over a hundred pages in and it's been really amazing. It's called Self Matters. In it, he talks about how we usually have a handful of defining moments in our lives that permanently change our perspective and our response to certain situations throughout our life, often to our detriment.
It got me thinking and I've already had a couple of really valuable insights about how I feel about my family, about creativity, about how I view myself, etc.
Anyway, thanks for posting this. I think it helps everyone when were open about these kinds of feelings.
Beth Johnson
· 1 year ago
I have to agree with James when I say that since I met you in high school your thoughts and opinions have held great value for me. Of course, I've always been drawn toward intelligent artsy folks. Whenever I make time for my creative pursuits it's usually because I've been inspired by what you are doing.
And I agree with Es that almost everyone shares this feeling. It is comforting to know that you are never alone.
I look forward, as always, to your next blog. You always make me think. You always make me take a much needed look into my own heart and mind.
ryan
· 1 year ago
I'd like to say thanks to all of you who left comments on this post. I don't really feel totally comfortable saying much more than that, I mean, who wants to be one of those "they like me! they really like me!" people? But, I really appreciate the fact that I'm not alone and I have true genuine friends. When I get irrational about my connections to other people, it truly helps me put those negative emotions into their proper place as confused relics from my subconscious, not present realities.
So, again, thanks.
melanie
· 1 year ago
I am a little behind on all of my blog reading...so I just read this one. I wanted to thank you for your open, honest post.
"What is ambition if not the desire to impress upon the people around you that you’re worth a damn?...on some emotional level I still feel like the kid who gets picked last for the team, the guy that people tolerate more than they accept and I have felt that way for nearly my entire life." I loved both of these thoughts. Very well put. I feel exactly the same way. I am in awe that you feel this way. You always seem so confident to me.
"If I want people to care about my life, I need to get involved in their lives." That reminds me of something my mom always used to say to me, "If you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend." And, even though there is a lot of truth to that statement...I always hated it when she would say that. I hated it because I've struggled with depression and low self-esteem for as long as I can remember, and being the friend is so hard when you lack the confidence. (The only time it wasn't AS hard, was when I was medicated...but that's a whole different subject.)
Really, I just wanted to say that I totally understand where you are coming from...I hope I can apply some of your good advice here.
And, really (honestly) you are your own worst critic. Your friends really do care for you and look up to you. (me included, even if I'm only an acquaintance) You've got to tell your inner demons to shut up and believe the truth all around you. (I know that helps me.)
lucky widgets
· 1 month ago
ok well you felt "alone" in the world around you...hmmm why does this sound so familiar? maybe this is because you were surrounded by people who loved and gave of themselves to many many many many people(s) (incuding people who were out in the world even though they were hated by them [the world]) and time was being stretched to make 5 meetings a week and service to try to save the world. well was it at your expense or was it a benefit? look back to the friends you had, they didnt come from nothing, but rather from a huge group of people worldwide that shared one common goal above all others. and then of course the groups within the groups who shared more common personal interests. actually i wish i could turn back time so i could embrace and cherish it again. find an old video from some gathering of these loved ones and watch it with someone who never saw it before such as a graduation party or wedding and explain all that was happening that particular day as you recall. then try to tell me how bad it all was. it was a time in life you will never experience again so watch the video of you and rhett and the friends and family and tell me how bad it was as you hold back the tears of longing to do it all over again. then ask yourself again...."what would i change of this memory?"
lucky widgets
· 1 month ago
ok 1 more thing i noticed here. it seems to have been a year since they commented on this so.... where are these friends now and why were all the comments made quickly and then just stop. sorry not trying to be critical here as i have been away so long myself that i am not sure of much that happened. i only looked up your name and found this site. but interestingly enough...Jehovah's people are still having these same parties of love and friends constantly without us. it doesnt take a year for them to finish a conversation. sorry my beloved Ryan, but i miss them :(
tastyrerun
· 1 month ago
I sent you an email but I don't know if your address is real or not so I don't know if you got it.
Look, you can't judge my personal life based on a blog anymore than you can judge a film by looking at a few frames. My life is filled with friends and joy and family. I write about things as they occur to me. Sometimes I feel one way, sometimes another. I am not lonely or miserable. I don't argue with Witnesses. I'm happy, and fulfilled, and busy (socially and otherwise). You're going back in time, commenting on blog posts, trying to figure this all out, but this is not likely to get you very far in terms of understanding me or the life I live today.
I am happy you're reaching out. I'd like to reach out in return. My email address is my name: ryan@ryansutter.net. Drop me a line. You can stay anonymous if you like. You can tell me who you are and I won't tell a soul, if you like. You can ask me whatever you like. It's all good, but I am unlikely to go around and respond to every new comment on an old blog post. I'm not trying to be rude, but, like I said... I'm a busy guy. Can we correspond one on one? Maybe that would work better?
All Comments
Nope...nothing's coming to me...
...Still nothing...
...Oh, wait:
It's funny, you know, how we (meaning all humans) simultaneously applaud and disdain differences. This occurred to me one day when, while having dinner as a teenager, my sister and I made fun of my mom for not adding sauce to her spaghetti (she just put some butter on it). Later that night, at the meeting, someone gave a talk wherein they said it will "sure be nice in the new system when everyone's the same", and I balked at his phraseology. But then I realized: hey, why was it "bad" for my mom to prefer a different style of spaghetti, and also "bad" when someone insinuated we'd all be the same one day.
Where was I going with this? Oh yes, I would agree that you qualify as "different", but you are also the same person who taught me that that was a good thing. When I look back on our youth, I am hard-pressed to provide the name of a peer who we could consider "normal"; the benchmark that determined everyone else's weirdness depending on how far they deviated from him/her. When I mention people like Rhett, Chad A., Ryan A., Bobby, Tim G., Reed, Chad L. and you and me (to name a few we both knew), I think a case can be made for each one of them that they were a typical, normal teen. Likewise, I could present evidence as to why they were among the biggest oddballs I ever knew.
Your difference, your feeling "left out", possibly also stems from your being a visionary; you always seemed to be the first one interested in something. You were the first of my friends to know about computers and you championed nerd-dom long before "geek-sheik" was coined. During the first few years when I got to know you, I got this idea that anything you were interested in was, by definition, cool. When you extolled the virtues of Hitchcock, Lennon and Mason Jennings (for example), I thought, "Well, those things must be cool if Ryan thinks they're cool". I remember Chad A. once asked me to recite the lyrics to "American Pie" for some reason, and my response was: "Well, Ryan thinks that's a dumb song", as if I was embarrassed to be a fan of something that you had publicly lambasted. (God, I love the word "lambasted".) And one day, when you were talking about "Joe and the Volcano", I thought: "Hm, I saw that movie, and I didn't think it was anything special, but I must be wrong." And when my grandma told me my cousins were taking piano lessons, I said: "Do they write their own music and record their own albums?", because, to my 16 year old self, anything else would have been lame. In fact, I think it's safe to say no one has influenced me more as to what I've read, watched and listened to besides you (well, except my wife, parents and sister, but they all have the advantage of having lived with me for years).
I'm probably totally off topic now. I don't even remember what the topic was. Man, it's great to be drunk at 10AM on a Friday.
Being in therapy at the same time has been so helpful because it's made us realize how remarkably similar our issues are and leads me to assume that those issues are probably similar to many others. It's funny because people tend to be egocentric, never realizing how much alike they are. It's comforting to realize everyone shares most of these problems. I'm just so glad that you're choosing to explore them. It's a brave thing to do.
I picked up a Dr Phil (yeah, yeah) book at the thrift store and I'm a little over a hundred pages in and it's been really amazing. It's called Self Matters. In it, he talks about how we usually have a handful of defining moments in our lives that permanently change our perspective and our response to certain situations throughout our life, often to our detriment.
It got me thinking and I've already had a couple of really valuable insights about how I feel about my family, about creativity, about how I view myself, etc.
Anyway, thanks for posting this. I think it helps everyone when were open about these kinds of feelings.
And I agree with Es that almost everyone shares this feeling. It is comforting to know that you are never alone.
I look forward, as always, to your next blog. You always make me think. You always make me take a much needed look into my own heart and mind.
So, again, thanks.
"What is ambition if not the desire to impress upon the people around you that you’re worth a damn?...on some emotional level I still feel like the kid who gets picked last for the team, the guy that people tolerate more than they accept and I have felt that way for nearly my entire life." I loved both of these thoughts. Very well put. I feel exactly the same way. I am in awe that you feel this way. You always seem so confident to me.
"If I want people to care about my life, I need to get involved in their lives." That reminds me of something my mom always used to say to me, "If you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend." And, even though there is a lot of truth to that statement...I always hated it when she would say that. I hated it because I've struggled with depression and low self-esteem for as long as I can remember, and being the friend is so hard when you lack the confidence. (The only time it wasn't AS hard, was when I was medicated...but that's a whole different subject.)
Really, I just wanted to say that I totally understand where you are coming from...I hope I can apply some of your good advice here.
And, really (honestly) you are your own worst critic. Your friends really do care for you and look up to you. (me included, even if I'm only an acquaintance) You've got to tell your inner demons to shut up and believe the truth all around you. (I know that helps me.)
Look, you can't judge my personal life based on a blog anymore than you can judge a film by looking at a few frames. My life is filled with friends and joy and family. I write about things as they occur to me. Sometimes I feel one way, sometimes another. I am not lonely or miserable. I don't argue with Witnesses. I'm happy, and fulfilled, and busy (socially and otherwise). You're going back in time, commenting on blog posts, trying to figure this all out, but this is not likely to get you very far in terms of understanding me or the life I live today.
I am happy you're reaching out. I'd like to reach out in return. My email address is my name: ryan@ryansutter.net. Drop me a line. You can stay anonymous if you like. You can tell me who you are and I won't tell a soul, if you like. You can ask me whatever you like. It's all good, but I am unlikely to go around and respond to every new comment on an old blog post. I'm not trying to be rude, but, like I said... I'm a busy guy. Can we correspond one on one? Maybe that would work better?